Duck Duck Cougar?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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