i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
