Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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