Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
