My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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