sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I believe in your delicious
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
