were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
