I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
