i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
