I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
