he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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