i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
