I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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