Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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