I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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