My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
