i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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