I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
