Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
