I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
