I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
