I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
