his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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