Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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