so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
