forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
