she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
