Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
