last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
