I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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