Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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