Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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