Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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