mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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