I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
