I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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