Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
