I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
