I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
