I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
