1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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