Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
