As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
