Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
