She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.