Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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