I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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