I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
