You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You can't just leave with hair like that
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Panties = found
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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