be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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