I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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