i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
