Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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