If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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