mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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