Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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