I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
