You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
