We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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